reflections on yellow belt test

The picture above highlights my learning from the test to make it unforgettable + point to where I need to go.
I suppose the next steps are to try put the tools and material together in more meaningful action - you know, like practicing what it's like to build a zen rock garden.

Well, I am coming to conscious awareness that I want my study of jujitsu to reach out to different aspects of life + living hence the symbolic zen rock garden picture. This is natural for me, it's not for everyone.

But this does comes with a grim realization that I may have difficult social conversations explaining why I am learning jujitsu (despite the strained shoulder + jammed thumb). It's like listening to a piece of music. I can't describe a symphony in words - it reduces the experience - you can't get the experience through words. Just like jujitsu.

But to say one thing so far - and it's emotionally difficult to write this - learning jujitsu points to meaningful realization in my life - another proof that an "incurable" chronic condition, fibromyalgia is silenced. Eleven years ago, I would've never imagined doing what I am doing today. A doctor friend thinks I should stick to capoeira, instead. Hell, no! The fact that I can take pain, get injured, and train and still grow in many ways, proves that "pain" is not a wall to prevent my personal growth.

If there is anyone I have to compete/compare -just myself of where I am right now. And this is huge for me.

after test key points from Sensei Maria: thinking, relax, move, and you
Though slightly hungover, I managed to spend quite some time reading about Zen Buddhism this morning- a book by D.T. Suzuki, apparently a "chief emissary of Zen to the West." I stress that this zen interest is not to replace/distract from learning - but to crystallize the learning in memorable ways for me.

So, every now and then I pick out a useful concept in this book, which brings greater focus on the active application of this zen "way of living" - with hopes to aid my learning:
1 - to point to the Moon is needed, but woe to those who take the finger for the Moon
2 - a basket is wecome to carry the fish home, but when the fish are safely on the table, why should we eternally worry ourselves with the basket?

sensei maria's feedback after test:
YOU - (fish, moon)
As Sensei Maria said, it's about "you." It's not about anything else, the movements, the technique, etc. It's about not letting anyone touch me in a way I don't want to be touched. And the "you" focus is above all, important [in self-defense].

Sharing the Zen analogies above only serves to remember these learning points - as long as needed. The primary point of truth/fact that counts is my peace/well-being. It is the "you." That is what I heard as being the primary point from sensei's feedback after test.

THINKING
Not as in basket case. But it's like the basket for the fish. That "thinking" got in the way of me. That movement/techniques interfered from the essential focus: the "you" - though thinking has its place and time. But if someone mugs me, I am not going to pause to reflect on which technique - a strike, a wrist lock, a throw, blah blah.


MOVE
Thinking about movement/technique reminds me of the finger pointing to the moon. Sensei said that what counts is - me - and that the movement becomes me. So I think it is important to not mistake that movement/technique comes before me, but I come before the movement and through training the movement becomes me.

And then while testing, sensei reminded me to move first. And I would move first to get out of the way. And I don't move first to get out of the way, just because sensei says so. But it's to refocus on the "you" part. That is truth of the matter. I am not going to focus on moving first because "it's the right thing, sensei said so, it'll help me to do x,y,z technique," but because of the "you" part of the learning of self-defense.

RELAX
And I tried hard not to seem tense. But I was. And it all goes back to breathing. Hence the interest in Zen. I will practice breathing and mindfulness - which is not "thinking" about breathing or but actually doing it. Hopefully with good breathing, I'll be more relaxed.

sensei stephen's feedback
Having sensei s uke was a new experience - never before in practice had I an uke with an attitude. But the mean eyes, the clenched fists, I knew it was mere show. I had an advantage of knowing the attack and which technique, but I am realizing that I'd have to be super trained to respond like that on the streets.

gift of movement
I was surprised to hear sensei say I have gift of movement and thus have a higher level of expectations - and use it. My response is to train and practice more. I don't know what else to do but to apply this through training + practice.

cultural pointer:
carry an item in dojo w/ 2 hands - says sensei c
need to learn how to approach sensei on matt